realm of reality

I took my leave, you made no chase.
Is this all because of the word ‘face’?
A joke you may say it was sounding.
But do you know the hurt is abounding?

My heart is bleeding.
Do you understand the feeling?
Crying is not the reason for getting my way.
It’s unspeakable words I don’t know how to say.

My heart feels heavy as tears fills my eyes.
It’s an unexplainable feeling I can’t describe.
Feelings of confusion and pain hits my heart.
I wonder what went wrong from the very start.

Whether it was a joke or really from you.
Please stop telling me things that are untrue.
You let me leave without a word.
Thinking of letting me go, has this thought occurred?

I may seem happy but really, I’m sad.
I just don’t wanna make you mad.
Telling you the truth you say I should.
But when I do so I spoil your mood.

I’m serious and I really wanna hold on tight.
I really hate it when I see us fight.
I hate it when the things go wrong.
Honestly, I really am not strong.

All these hurtful tears I’ve shed,
None of this I’ll ever forget.
With hurt and pain I’m very sure,
Every moment is worthed to treasure.

Although at times it’s hard to endure,
But in the end we get to learn more.
What had happened has been the past.
Those anger and hurt will not last.

I need you there, wanna hold you close to me.
I wanna walk beside you, together on this endless journey.

I hate being insecure. I hate the feeling of insecurity. I dread that feeling. Detest it to the core. I never know when I am safe. I’ll never know if I’m in that "safe zone" or am I already entering the "danger zone".

I hate to make assumptions. I hate to assume. Because I could be wrong. I don’t trust my gut feeling though sometimes it tends to be quite accurate. But chances are 50-50. I don’t like to take the risk. I’m afraid of rejection, just like everybody else.

I hate to be alone. Sometimes even amongst the closest people I still feel empty. And I ask myself why. And I finally realized how insecure I had been. I’m insecure with whatever things. And I don’t want to find out what is wrong. I’m afraid of finding out the truth. I’m afraid of losing you.

I hate people who are pretentious. Especially if they are close ones to me. I hate being left in the dark. Not knowing what is going on till it hits me right in my face. Not knowing what has been going on till it has ended. I never said anyone has been like this. But I just feel insecure.

They say never to trust anyone, not even your own kins. But ONLY to trust yourself. I can’t even trust my own judgement, my own decisions. What makes you think I can trust anyone else in this world. I give you my trust, but it is taken for granted. I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of getting cheated.

I’m again, not saying it has happened. Neither is it happening now. I just hate being insecure about people around me. It is hard for me to gain trust in people who I had lost in them. It is not my fault to blame if you were the one who made me this insecure. If it could have happened once, it could happen again.

I know the reason behind it. And I’m glad it was not intentional. But still, insecurity lingers within me. It is not easy for me to treat it as if it hadn’t happen even though if it was unintentional. Only time will heal. And I hope time is catching up fast with me before it’s too late.

I fear heartbreaks. And I hope it’ll never hit me anytime soon. Nor anytime at all in fact. Obstacles come and go. But my heart will never be moved by this. I will stand firm, not being swayed by these problems that come by. I need to be strong.

In life, things can never be one-sided. Be it if it is between friends or relationships. If you are generous to your friends, it can’t be one-sided where your friend never returns you generous favours. It has to be two-sided, where both parties contribute to each others happiness. If not, it would be meaningless. And it would be tiring as it will seem as being taken advantage of.

Relationship in other words, have no difference to this. It has to be two-sided. The easiest example is that you cannot form a relationship unless two are fond of each other. Otherwise it would be a one-sided relationship where neither parties would benefit from it.

Trust and open-ness is very important in this society, especially with your loved ones. I need to trust you enough in order to be that close with you. I really hope open-ness and honesty would play a big role in my life in the future. As I said before, I hate being insecure. I hate being alone. I hate making assumptions. I hate being rejected. I hate pretentious people. I’m afraid of heartbreaks. And most importantly, I’m afraid of losing the special people around me.

I hate being who I am. People never appreciate things. They never understand the reason behind my actions and criticize the situation. I can’t blame them, but neither can I blame myself. I am like this. And I try my very best in helping those who are in need if it is possible. You may think I am "harming" them by letting them take me for granted. But as long as they are happy, I am speechless. My heart smiles with them.

I can change my ways of dealing different situations. But it needs time. I am not weak, shy nor timid or afraid. Maybe even after explaining it, you will never know or understand why I am like this and why I act this way. But you are not me, and you will not know what is going on in my head.

I can do whatever my mind sets me to, but like I said, time is needed. I do not have super-natural powers. I am not SuperWoman. I am human. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I screw up and make errors in life. But it is all part of growing up and maturing.

My only hope is that people will understand this. But I am not opposing anyone. You say you can never be in my shoes because I do not care, but I do. I really do. And likewise for you. You can never be in my shoes.

I would love to find out what will become of me many years down the road. If you were really the one. I can’t let go now. I won’t. I’m determine, no matter what it takes for me.

DJ hare DJ-ing about her hair. Again? As usual.

Why did I have to do such a cruel thing to myself by perming my hair? Seriously, nothing good has happened since the day I permed it. Not only is it not to my liking, strange super-natural things had been happening. Ok not. It’s just that I saw hong nam. Told you it’s "sway-ness". But what can I do? Bumping into hong nam is inevitable.

Bad hair day every single day of my LIFE! I don’t know why recently I have been very sleepy sleepy in lectures. I can’t stand it, my eyes just want to shut close. My eyelids feels so heavy that it just has to come down for a second or two. And before I know it, I’m almost asleep in class. The first day it wasn’t that bad, only after I permed my HAIR! SEE I TOLD YOU. It’s the CURSE OF THE PINK HAIR! Whoops I mean the curse of the PERMED hair.

You must believe me! I have been really ill-luck after that. I screwed up many things causing slight but no so nice arguements. How I wish those incidents (or should I say accidents) didn’t happen at all. But I really screw myself up so badly I feel so loser-ish. It’s like a Loser with the capital ‘L’ printed up on my forehead. Ok I can now imagine people staring at the ‘L’ on my forehead, thinking it’s some weird vein and laughing at me, teasing me and despising me.

I’m sorry I fail to be less clumsier, silly, slow and whatever nonsense I have been so screwed up with. Sometimes I really wonder what’s wrong with me. I just hate that feeling of being fucked for screwing up. I don’t feel pissed or what for being fucked, but more of realising what I have done and thinking of how I could have avoided it. But as bad as it is, it had already happened and is now the past. But I just can’t stop thinking of how screwed I am. Don’t tell me no one has felt like that before? May satan cut your tongue for lying!

Well, anyway I feel much better now. Less Loser-ish. Less DJ-ing. Why? Beacuse I just went back to Hair Etc and got my hair "fixed". I just think the perm is a bit too much for me at the sides. Wonder what when wrong. My ideal look of the perm ruined when I saw the outcome. It was sick. Like some China auntie. No need photos to prove how horrendous it was. But it actually wasn’t a very small curl, it was quite big and not exactly very curly. But I just don’t like the sides!

Well, details aside. I finally got it back straight. I mean the sides only. So i still have slight curls at the ends. I think it’s much better! So finally i have rid those bad karma! I have pushed all those wretched luck out of my way. (maybe it’ll hit hong nam)

I’m supposed to be at work now. But I really wanted to get my freaking hideous hair done. So, I did what I always do. Yes, I know I lied! So what? At least I didn’t say I was sick again. I said I had group discussions. Oh jennsy you liar piar. ^-^

Anyway, I’m so tired from the past few days of lost sleep. I think I deserve some nice rest now. New, revamped hair must come together with new, revamped life. Good, nice, precious, beauty sleep. That sounds nice. zZzz

SUPER DUPER GREAT HAPPY NEWS FOR ME:

BOA’S NEW ALBUM IS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So happy! Her song totally rocks my socks! Ok, no socks. I hate wearing shoes. It’s disgusting. Going to download it online now.
Chao~

It’s bizarre. It’s perplexing. It’s baffling. It’s inexplicably mystifying! Someone tell me how STRANGE can it get when imagine, you have a scandalous girlfriend who gets drunk at clubs with guys and you who knows that don’t do a thing about it. Besides strange, weird, or puzzling, I have no other words to describe you but BLIND. Not exactly literally blind but in the sense of "Love is Blind" kind of blind. Felt that phrase in braille before you love-blind people?

Am I wrong? Somebody enlighten me. I don’t think so. It’s definitely SLUTTY to go to clubs with guys and get drunk knowingly you can’t drink (some people do act drunk though) and have a boyfriend. I don’t post this comment to girls who are single. DUH!

Whatever goes on in the relationship isn’t anyones problem. But no matter how bad the relationship is, it’s still just SLUTTY to do that! Unless you really make up your mind to end the relationship or what. That I have nothing to say. Ok not exactly nothing to say. It’s just still a bit SLUTTY to do that even if you’ve decided to break off. But it is NOT slutty if you HAD already broke off and went to club with guys. THIS, i have nothing to say.

Come on man. Who in the world do you think you are? Flirting around in the presence of your boyfriend. Dammit man, you got to at least have the FACE and LOOKS to do so. But unfortunately, you don’t have any. So it really horribly disgust me. You DISGUSTING creature.

Just hate it the way you think you are so good, so pretty, so cute, so-all-the-things-that-isn’t-you. What’s worst is that you think that’s the reason why your boyfriend "deserves" such a sweet, demure, loving girlfriend like you. Pur-lease! When can you start getting a life? No one in this universe deserves someone like you.

Miss Fake-O. Stop the Drama Rama, Mama. The show’s over. We need not see such pretence anymore because we are all sick of it. And we are not interested. Find some worthless audiences who would much appreciate the drama from you instead of seeking the more worthy and superior congregation (that’s us we’re ranting about).

Sick and Tired. Why do I bother so much about other people’s affairs? Guess I get emotional really easily. *Sniff-Sniff* *Sob* Wrong! You bloody step on my tail. Whatever EVIL or SLUTTY thing you do, even if it doesn’t concerns me STILL pisses me. I’ll be watching you.

Oh my Lord, I sound like a psycho serial killer. Sorry if I scared you. Muahahahaha. People can just make me so pissed. Why ah?

Ok this is it. My exam is only 6 hours away. It’s 4am right now and I just finished "studying". I just wrote down what I thought was useful. But nothing in my head yet though. And I just remembered I haven’t printed my assignment yet. So here I am again, instead of going to bed. Talk about abusing the computer when no one’s home to tell me off. Woohoo doesn’t it feel great. Narh, just a little sleepy now.

Ok I still feel tempted to catch some clips on YouTube. But I really have to go to bed now. I have less than 4 hours to sleep! Free eyeshadow like what ting will say for sure tomorrow.

I HATE YOU EXAM!!!
My only chance of surfing the net till the wee late hours gone because of you!

Why is politics a module part of my course that I have to study? Don’t you think it’s so lame? I’m not going to be a newscaster or what right! Or even so, I just have to read the contents from the paper and look out for that red dot on the cameras only ma. Ok so you say "You think being a newscaster is that easy meh?" But to tell you the truth, I don’t know. And I don’t care either.

Just hate POLITICS ok. I have been reading through all day about the United States, Britain, Germany, Egypt and what have you. (Leisy just love that word don’t you.) I just can’t seem to get anything into my head. I have to read up on every single countries political culture, political system, political parties, problems the countries face and what have you. Boy, do I love politics.

And what’s worse is that my exam is TOMORROW at 10am and I am here online typing this crap and watching YouTube. Ain’t I great? I totally give up man. It’s no use cramming all those nonsense in my head. Or maybe yes, if not i would fail my exam tomorrow. But HOW?!

I guess I’ll go back to my books later in the night. Perhaps before I go to bed? *SIGH* If only it was some other module. And NOT politics. I just suck at it. Hopefully I can just pass the exam and I’ll be more than happy. No need any A’s or B’s or even C’s. Just PASS can already.

Anyway GOOD news for my past results. I got A’s for my Advertising and Public Relations module. Omg can you believe it. A ok. Hardly get to see jennsy doing so well. ^-^

Exams aside, that will bother me later after this entry. FUGG. My cousin’s getting married tomorrow (what a coincidence) on the day my exam falls on. So what? You say. After exam also can attend ma. Ya but just so if you all still didn’t know, my cousins are in Malaysia. And my dad and brothers have left just about an hour ago to make their way down to Malaysia, Truely Asia.

So I am all alone, lonely (and happy) in my cosy, messy home. I am free! I can do whatever I please. Use the computer with no one to bug me. But SO? MY EXAM IS TOMORROW DAMMIT.

Not forgetting I’ll also be working tomorrow right after my exam. I’m such a busy person. Working at 2pm till 12mn with queksy. I’m not going to stay and help do the turn over. I’m leaving after dessert if possible. Can’t stand that bloody Zhu Ba Jie’s face and speech.

Best of luck for me then for tomorrows exam (which i haven’t studied) and for work. Guess I forgot to mention that my best friend is working with us tomorrow as well. The not so TALENTED person. No names mentioned. You should know who you are man.

Hypocritical Style-Gesture Poacher You.

3 words for you again.
BAI HONG NAM!!!

Don’t you just love Thailand. ^-^
Sip Song Lian ah. SawadeeKa.

Bobo bee, Happy seven months!
It’s 1:30 in the morning so it’s the 18th already.

Bought perfumes with bobo this evening in town. Finally i have my davidoff coolwater game. So in love with that smell. Dinner was at crown prince swensens which was quite ok. Besides the happy-birthday-balloon-popping celebration 2 tables behind me. Those bunch of brainless balloon-popping staffs had just destroyed ties from loyal swensens customers. Oh well. Who could care less anyway? I’m not the managing director or whosoever of swensens.

Along the way, i saw *hong-nam (not the person’s real name and i shall refer it’s gender as ‘it’). Omg. Hong nam’s dress sense is no way near the way it describes it to be. Shorts and a long sleeve shirt. thought hong nam said before it was into e-base or thought it said it owned and wore nice elastic belts like ours. Smell my shoe ok. Believe me, it won’t smell as bad as what i saw. It’s damn sway to see hong nam around ok. Makes my blood temperature rise rapidly.

Hong nam’s hair is like so not cool. But what to do if that’s what it calls ’style’. Hong nam’s not even fit to deserve the name ’style pirate’ because it doesn’t ‘pirate’ other peoples style completely but just at the surface, in the presence of the style-pirated victim. Poor poor hong nam. Nobody likes it. But hong nam is so oblivious.

Two advices for hong nam:
1. Hong nam should stop stepping on people’s feet by not being a ’style-pirate’ and also a ‘gesture-pirate’. Please start to be original.

2. Hong nam can never be original so maybe you should just disappear from this earth? BAI HONG NAM LA. (go toilet in thai)

Time flies.
In a wink of an eye, seven precious months has slipped by.
In this seven months, there were many changes in my life.
Things i never expected to expect. But still, i managed to live pass it.

Don’t be complacent. Be ready to face more of these challenges. I believe it doesn’t stop just there. Juggling between studies and work has been hard. But it could never be comparable to what i’m juggling between now.

Jia you jennsy!
Oh look, self-encouragement.

whenever i need a ground of shelter, i can i always find it in my family and friends. my life revolves around my seven sisters (namely ting, zeekee, huiru, quek, chee and angel), bobo bee, pooh bear and doraemon. without them, my life is empty. ok maybe we can leave doraemon out.

these people are the most precious thing that happened to me and i really cherish every moment with them. the special bond i have with them is just unexplainable. it just happens. and i believe to a good cause and reason.

i’ve never felt this close with anyone before. thus, believing this is my life. these are my loved ones. and i hope nothing in this world will ever change that.

the joy, the sorrows.
the laughter, the pain.